As some of you may know, I dramatically posted my intent to take a break from blogging and my social media for as long as I felt necessary. I know from what I wrote, it sounded like I may take a long break but I knew in my heart that I would know within a week if I was going to return or give it up altogether. Anxiety was one of the biggest contributors to why I wanted – no, needed to take a break. Dealing with brands who don’t consider you and your audience important or worthwhile is hard, dealing with fakeness and racism within the community is always tough. I’ve become relatively known for calling out brands and people on their faux inclusivity and whilst I have no problem with call-out culture, it does take its toll on *me*, the call out-ee. Combined with the fact that I’m sure some brands have blacklisted me and left me out of their events and PR lists, as well as starting a new chapter in my personal/professional life – I’ve been letting it all get to me and internalising the stress.
The other factor that has contributed to all this is the pressure of perfect skin. Constantly blogging about skin had had me being so hard on myself to the point that I often feel like I am only worth how good my skin is. That probably sounds weird and superficial, but what I mean by it is that I sometimes feel that my self worth is tied to how good my skin looks. Going to events during hormonal breakouts makes me feel like shit because I feel like an absolute fraud, I hate myself and my skin for having an off day. In fact, going from near-perfect skin to dealing with acne, milia and congestion almost overnight makes me feel like I should delete my blog and stop talking all things skin. No one is making me feel bad for not always having good skin, and I’m 100% sure a lot of you actually care that I would post my enlarged pores, hyperpigmentation and scarring – but chasing perfect skin has cost me a lot of money, stress and time. I know that just because my skin is behaving relatively normally by having it’s good and bad days, it doesn’t mean my reviews and opinions are not valid, but when I have to look in the mirror or see people in public looking flawless whilst I battle acne and bad texture – it certainly feels that way. Dealing with problematic skin for the second time in my life has been horrible for my self-confidence as well as my ability to blog. I don’t try to hide any of it, because I know the honesty helps but it’s hard to pretend that it doesn’t bother me on a higher level compared to before I started writing about it.
I still enjoy talking skincare, but as my skin is changing I’m definitely approaching it with a less is more approach – as per the advice of my facialists and the amazing Skndoctor. In time my skin will get back to how it was, and I will continue to share the imperfect days until it does, but I will also remember that I have zero obligation to do when I feel self-conscious and negative about my appearance. I’m allowed an ugly day! Generally, I’m hoping to add more of a lifestyle element to my blog, encouraged by the supportive comments I get whenever I post about my hobbies like ballet or personal life accomplishments. I keep reminding myself how much I love blogging, meeting new people both on and offline, and the amazing gifts and opportunities it’s afforded me already. My blog is technically still only a baby; a baby that needs time and room to grow (just like myself), and I am learning how to do both slowly.
I enjoy and understand the need to raise important topics like racism, mental health and sustainability whilst allowing myself to take a step back and balance the weight of these issues when they fall on my shoulders. I am allowing myself to have “off” days/weeks and remind myself that even though this blog would not exist without talking about skin, It is and I am more than that.
Until next time,
Demi – Colleen x